Doug Hales was born and raised in the Boyertown area — Perkiomenville, specifically. Class of 2004! In the 20 years since, most of his family has remained in the area, but Doug has proven to be much more of a nomad. These days, he works as a copywriter and Creative Director for an advertising agency. He currently resides in Miami, Florida, but tries to make it back home to Boyertown at least once a year.
by Doug Hales
For a lot of my adult life, I have had what you might call a “no, thanks” attitude when it comes to the holiday season.
Go home for Thanksgiving and/or Christmas? No, thanks. (I do live quite far from my family, in my defense.)
Spend all day cooking a turkey? No, thanks.
If I’m honest, while my mother went all-out for Thanksgiving, her cooking left much to be desired. The turkey was dry; the cranberry sauce was canned. The candied yams were just plain, unseasoned sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top. And the pie was store-bought.
So, even as a kid, I wasn’t wild about the day, and I was a little confused about why everyone else seemed to be. I don’t have any nostalgia for the flavors.
When I became a grownup, I left Boyertown and moved to California with my (now ex -)husband a week after graduating college, which presented its own barriers to doing the holidays “like everybody else.” He very emphatically did not want to visit his family in New Jersey — both because enduring holiday airport chaos was not his thing, and because enduring meals with two parents who wanted him to stop being gay and “find the right girl” was also very much not his thing.
Since he didn’t want to go home to his family, for better or worse, I didn’t want to press the issue by going home to my (accepting and welcoming) family, who lived just 60 miles away from his, because that would open the door to the inevitable “Well, why don’t you come see us too?” questions. So we did the “orphan Thanksgiving” thing in California each year instead, either getting an invite to a friend’s home or just cooking something smaller for ourselves.
So, I lost the softness of ritual and tradition with Thanksgiving, too. Even though I do have fond memories of some of those years, it was always a scramble to figure out our plans, and the sense of comfort in familiarity became a distant memory. By the end of my twenties, the only “tradition” I was consistently observing was to sit with a growing sense of guilt that I wasn’t “doing it right.” The holidays, I mean. Ironically, the last Thanksgiving I spent with my ex-husband was also the day I first realized I had to leave him, and I stayed up very late that night, alone in my living room, grappling with what that would mean for me.
Once we got divorced, I went on my own journey to figure out who I was without him. You know, as 50% of us do. My version was to go backpacking for an entire year, all over the world, and when November came around again, I happened to spend that Thanksgiving Day in Tokyo, Japan. I vividly remember sitting in the restaurant on the top floor of my capsule hotel, staring out at the Tokyo skyline from the umpteenth story window, wearing a yukata, watching millions of people not celebrating Thanksgiving, and enjoying the most perfect bowl of katsudon. Not a morsel of turkey, stuffing, pie, or candied yams in sight. Just a breaded pork cutlet over rice — and, finally, a generous helping of peace.
I realized it was probably the happiest Thanksgiving I had ever had as an adult — because there was no weight to bear about what the day “should’ve” been. There was nothing to compare it against. And that’s when it hit me: Maybe Thanksgiving doesn’t have to “be” anything. Maybe it’s okay to remake it however I want to. And… maybe it can even be fun?
In the years since, I’ve started a new tradition: doing the day with my best friend. Nowadays, he lives in Austin, Texas, and I live in Miami, Florida. He, too, has a history of not wanting to spend the holiday with family, for his own reasons. So we take turns visiting each other’s cities, booking a table at a very fancy restaurant each year to see how renowned chefs like Marcus Samuelsson interpret Thanksgiving dinner, and we generally enjoy redefining the day for ourselves.
And hey, that’s what I’m most thankful for as an American, anyway: the opportunity to redefine myself and my life, over and over. What’s more American than blazing your own trail and believing anything is possible?
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Replies
Well done!
Hope you continue to find ways to enjoy the holidays.
Very nice essay, thanks for sharing.
This reads a little tone deaf. The author ignores the whole point of thanksgiving, (spending time with your family) in lieu of a self-absorbed day of “fun.” We should not be celebrating the selfish “no, thanks” and anti-thanksgiving attitudes just because the pumpkin pie is store-bought. It’s not about the food, or the distance, or “redefining” the holiday. It’s about celebrating the time you have on earth with your loved ones.
Ms Sams, I suspect the only one that is "tone deaf," here, is you. You even ended your comment about sharing the time "with loved ones." Don't you see that's what Doug finally learned / was able to do?
As a fellow card-carrying member of the LGBT Community, I've seen too many times the "Friendsgiving" celebrations where everyone at the table had the same "boy band" haircut as the others. And what most also shared was a greater love for their "chosen family" over the biological one.
Fortunately, when I came out, it was to a supportive family, but with my career choice being to serve my Country for 21+ years, it meant that I was also spending many holidays not only away from home (where I grew up), but also away from home (where I went each night after "work" to may anxiously awaiting large dogs). Schedules, lacking dog sitters, finances or other logistics often kept us apart. In this day of technology, fortunately that can more easily be conquered. Yet the truly home cooked meal often is missed. I remember one year, while living in San Francisco, Christmas dinner was Chinese. It was the only place open. THat didn't stop me from calling home.
Bing Crosby once sang, "I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams." Maybe that's all Doug needed.
Linda, as I remember the Thanksgiving "story," it was about sharing the season's bounty in a new land with new neighbors and friends of a different culture--not limited to "family loved ones." To my mind, you have missed the point of Thanksgiving--giving thanks for whatever blessings life has presented you, not judging others for theirs. Happy for you as you celebrate with your beloved family, but you may wish to address what seems a lack of empathy or appreciation for others' situations. Just a thought in the spirit of unity.
above comment from Jane Stahl, co-editor
Linda, as I remember the Thanksgiving "story," it was about celebrating survival by sharing the bounty of the season in a new land with new friends and neighbors of a different culture. The point always seemed to me to be one of celebrating the blessings in front of us--not judging others for theirs. And so, I'm happy for you in sharing your bounty--store-bought or homemade--with your beloved family but you may wish to consider addressing what seems to be a lack of empathy or appreciation for the situations of others. Just a thought in the spirit of compassion and unity. ~Jane Stahl, co-editor of The Expression
Thanks for sharing your experiences, Doug. I can understand that feeling of “not doing it right” that came over you at one point; we get a lot of messages from family and the media about what the holidays should mean and that can be really difficult for anyone whose idea of the day is different. I admire you for creating a new Thanksgiving tradition for yourself and I’m happy that you can share the holiday with your best friend. Peace!
I understand too well how significant days sometimes must transform in order to become enjoyable again. Setting new traditions is part of making your life your own, and tradition doesn’t have to be traditional. I’ve enjoyed following Doug’s adventures for several years and the joy in them is palpable; far from being a “selfish” approach, it’s clear that human connection is an enormous driver of what he does. Happy Thanksgiving, whatever shape it takes!
Well told, Doug! As I've stated to a rebuttal to one of the earlier comments, "Been there." It's also commendable the effort that you gave in your earlier adult life that you at least tried to be accomodating; to your parents, to your husband, and ultimately, to yourself, and then your best friend.
I, too, no longer live in Boyertown, but usually make it back 1 or 2x / year. This year we sadly added an extra trip, to celebrate the life of my paternal grandmother. That, plus an early Thanksgiving, and the upcoming Christmas will make three. But there were plenty of years that "zero" was the magic number, and fortunately, not due to the lack of support from home.
Chosen families can grow like biological ones, and I, too, am in Florida where my son and I ride our jet skis, I play with our dogs, and host my daily radio show, while living in the Tampa Bay Region. We're only an email away!
Congrats on your newfound celebrations and Happy Holidays!