The Measure: Sobriety in Life

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by Phil Repko*

I apologize in advance and must disclaim – this commentary has nothing directly to do with the 12 Step Process of Alcoholics Anonymous. Yet I do plan to connect my topic with that exact program. If the title caught your attention, I invite you to put aside your suspicion that this is a bait and switch situation. I think there is a parallel that might be of value.

Moving past the foreword, here’s the topic sentence and the thesis all in one: I think over time we become addicted to, and so become blinded by, the vibrance and capacity of the first half of our lives. I know a number of the pieces I have penned or typed here have been focused on the inevitably of getting older and slower. Yet I think it is worthwhile to consider that one of the greatest elements of our experience here on the little blue dot is our raw virility in terms of physical skills, mental ranges, and intellectual expansions.

Sobriety comes when we get to the point where we are capable of listening to our own selves before embarking on endeavors and before daring daunting challenges. As such, a manifestation of sobriety is identified by our ability to step away from our instinctive emotional reactions and to execute a measured, calm, calculated response.

Examples always help, so we shall have one. I was justifiably accused of (and since it was ‘justifiably accused’, you may change that phrasing to “called out for”) failing to support a co-worker in an instance where that support was a properly expected outcome - and therefore, a requirement.

So, a colleague cried foul, and I had no ready defense. In my younger and headier days, fueled by ego, pride, and self-confidence, I would have taken my chances at bluffing (pretending I had an excuse), gaslighting (pretending the one I betrayed had somehow misconstrued the details of the situation) or bulling (bullying) my way through it by pretending my failure or mistake was justified.

Because sobriety of judgment is sometimes a gift of time and experience, I did none of these things. Instead, I explained that my sin of omission was the product of a dilemma or conundrum. (I didn’t have these words at the tip of my tongue in the moment, but it didn’t take long to retrieve them.) In the instance referenced here, I actually had support responsibilities toward three different parties.

What’s to be done when three different stakeholders are looking for your support, but you have to make a choice? In a hot moment, there is no honest way to prioritize one over the other – they are almost always equally important and righteous in expecting you to provide the proper help or guidance.

Sobriety says I can separate personal self from the dilemma, even if it is the personal self that got me into this fine mess. The truth is that I selected the stakeholder with the least power and influence, and in retrospect, I probably did so entirely on the basis of emotion. I have a soft spot for the bandits, the oppressed, the unwieldly - who have nonetheless suggested to me that they have some redeemable qualities.

I was able, because I had my wits about me, to apologize for the apparent (but also very real) slight. I explained the conundrum to the other two parties, and I promised to find a solution that served all of them as well as possible. It worked.

My point is not to talk about my own ability to be wise, resourceful, or quick-thinking. Instead, I think sobriety achieved over the course of a life of experience is quite the valuable thing. We tend to have less sobriety when we are younger because we have such high abilities. We can run, jump, think, fight, pivot, and dance in the instant, and so we don’t have to call other talents into play.

Our lack of ‘wisdom’ at an early age is consistent with confidence levels. If we have rarely or never needed to rely on calm, calculated, and thoughtful processes to keep ourselves safe, effective, or empowered, then we won’t develop those characteristics with any sense of urgency.

Another example – a bit more physical - should prove illustrative here. Imagine you’re bringing packages in from the car. You pick up the whole kaboodle and step into a physical conundrum, if there is such a thing. Having rounded the corner with limited vision, you find yourself standing on a piece of plywood left over from a project. Unfortunately, that plywood fell onto a cylindrical can or two of spray paint.

You are now package-laden, off-balance, and in danger of dropping encumbrances that include eggs, glass containers, and (for fun) let’s say adult beverages. You can’t just drop the packages. Since the garage door was left open, there’s no light on, so you are left still with limited vision. You know the size of the plywood, and could hop quickly to sound footing – except you aren’t thirty or forty anymore, and you aren’t sure if you will land in stability. Furthermore, hopping isn’t something that you have done since sometime before the pandemic.

Thirty or forty-year-old you wouldn’t have taken time to even consider options. You would have immediately and instinctively risked that hop. By now you would have broken eggs, glass, or your own ankles. (Of course, in your high-capacity youth, you may have passed that obstacle without a moment’s hesitation.) Worst-case scenario would have you in concussion protocol.

But sober you freezes and fights hard to be stable and still. This is no easy task because, well, you’re old – and therefore rarely stable or still. Asking for the two to visit simultaneously is just too much. Calmly, carefully, and thoughtfully you drop yourself down closer to the ground. You instinctively remember that any fall of packages or person can be reduced by a controlled lowering of self.

See, sobriety gets comfortable with a controlled lowering of self. Humility is the father or mother of such sensible reduction in height. By contrast, our younger selves are so confident in our abilities and capacities that we never consider that a lesser fall is an option. “Why fall?” we ask right before impact.

The second metaphorical example might be the easier one to grasp, even though it’s more abstract.

I stumbled onto this topic because I was writing a letter of recommendation for a teacher who is relocating and therefore, collecting references to aid in a job search. I described her in the reference letter as ‘wise beyond her years,’ or some such verbiage. It caught my attention that so few of us are able abstain from the alcohol of youthful exuberance and vitality. Our path to the sobriety of age and experience is probably comprised of at least 12 steps. Moreover, those 12 steps are probably remarkable similar to the ones that populate the Alcoholics Anonymous program.

Just a quick comparison says that our path to adult sobriety – just like alcohol sobriety - will require things like asking and accepting help, making amends, and taking responsibility. In the end, we have no guarantee that time and experience will invariably land us on the sobriety wagon. But if we can survive enough falls, endure beyond our over-confidence, and outlast our rashest choices, we will have a real chance to earn our tokens and maintain our equilibrium.

Taken to its logical conclusion, the essay suggests that life is a 12 step program, providing we don’t kill or maim ourselves in our early ages of overconfidence. At some point, we need to wean ourselves off the addiction to the feeling of invincibility.

Therefore, a metaphorical toast to time and to enough chances, that even the most stubborn and headstrong of us can find the right path. A bottle of sobriety for the house.

* Phil Repko is a career educator in the PA public school system who has been writing for fun and no profit since he was a teenager. Phil lives with his wife Julie in Gilbertsville and is the father of three outstanding children, two of whom are also poets and writers. He vacillates between poetry and prose, as the spirit beckons, and is currently working sporadically on a novella and a memoir.

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