Sandra Williams Presents Three Bears & "Bearing" Grief in "Awakening"

"Bear Hug" Intaglio by Melissa Strawser

Editor’s Note: Area writers were invited to submit poetry and/or prose to Studio B Art Gallery’s summer project “The Three Bears.” Writers were challenged to respond to the meanings of the words “bear” and “bare,” the Bear Fever sculptures or an aspect or theme from the fairy tale “Goldilocks & the Three Bears.” Their poetry and prose responses has been published in The Boyertown Area Expression throughout the summer. We hope you will enjoy the wide-ranging responses to the challenging theme.

by Sandra Williams*

The Three Bears

Bare your soul If you can
If you can Bear
what lies within

Is it too much or too little to know?
Too hot, too cold or just right?
Or too hard to show?

Does a heavy bear go with you?

“The central ton of every place,
Breathing at your side, that heavy animal,
Howls in his sleep for a world of sugar,
Moves where you move, distorting your gesture,

A stupid clown of the spirit’s motive
Stretches to embrace the very dear
With whom you would walk without him near,
Would bare your heart and make me clear?”

Quoted Lines with poetic License from Delmore Schwartz’s “A Heavy Bear Who Goes With Me”

Awakening

Did you ever create a place in your heart and mind for someone? Placed an image of them there, unbeknownst to them, and even to you? And there they remained with all your assumptions about and expectations of them?

You may have assigned certain attributes to them, justified or not. Was it that you somehow needed that person to be in that honored place, imagining you were kindred spirits? Was it because you wanted to believe they truly knew and understood you? That with them you could be yourself? Isn’t that one of our deepest longings—to be seen, known and accepted for who we are, even when we ourselves don't quite know who and what we are.

Likewise, you believed you knew and understood that someone, though you never really saw or understood at all. Then you discovered in the most devastating way that, on that deepest level, you actually were opposites on so many things—world views, a sense of justice and equality, and even in what is true and real, right and good.

You were blindsided, hurt, but, at the same time, you began to realize how naive, self-deceived you had been, and therefore have no “right” to feel betrayed, for it is you who betrayed yourself in false expectations and assumptions, but you do!

Now, it is clear that this someone does not respect or value the beliefs you have tried to live by, and therefore who you essentially are, or have tried to become. Likewise, you cannot, do not respect or understand the core of their very different beliefs, their lack of the values that you see as humane, kind, thoughtful, civil, compassionate—those qualities you believe make us human in the best sense.

Still there is confusion and a dilemma because you have seen and experienced some of those qualities in that person all along, but now you have found that some of their choices and actions are in no way consistent with what you experienced of them. How can there be such a gap, such cognitive dissonance? It is truly incomprehensible.

Now you question whether you can continue that relationship. There seems no use in attempting to make your views clear to her, or to try to convince her of your position. You do not want to understand her position, as you see that what is obvious is so far from yours and feels misguided, irrational, and ultimately indefensible.

You may even feel you do not ever want to see or speak to that person again, yet you are experiencing your own hypocrisy for not living up to your beliefs in fairness, understanding and forgiveness. After all, that someone did not ask or even know they were in the place you put them. You are grieving, as if that someone was only imagined and has died to you, and in a way that is true. The new reality is painful.

It seems absurd that you had created a place for that person, but was not aware of it until they fell from it. Ironically, you are feeling heartsick at the loss of something that never was to begin with. You feel foolish to have not been aware of your false expectation that this person holds your same values and beliefs.

That expectation, conscious or not was shattered at her having clearly demonstrated some behavior or perspective that is reprehensible to you. Yet, it was never their intention to hurt you, and they may even be surprised at your reaction, if indeed you express your feelings outright.

You have had an “awakening,” that you had expected the ideal in an ideal world—that does not exist in reality: a “perfect” marriage, friendship or collegial relationship. Now there is a new consciousness of an irreconcilable moral incompatibility you cannot bridge. What do you do?

The first thing is to acknowledge it will be an emotional, intellectual and psychological struggle. Let it happen as a process of review and reflection, without any final decisions—however long that may take.

Here are some suggestions going through the process:

• Remember, the person has not been aware that all along they were in a place of honor you created—unasked for and unjustified and that place was a reflection of you, not them.
• Do not confront the person in an aggressive or accusatory way, or try to convince them of your more rational, "enlightened" position. The fact that they are obviously so far off base from it will most likely make it impossible for you to change minds. A conversation like that may escalate to irrevocable consequences precluding any kind of future connection.
• There will be pain in the initial awakening and through the process: disorientation, confusion and regrets, as you review, reflect toward a possible resolution or dissolution. Will it be a complete break, or an extension of a bridge.
• Do nothing outwardly until you sort things through about you, your relationship—past, present and, possibly, in the future, until yourself become more conscious of what the relationship was based on, and the part you played in it, how you set up a false equivalency that your inner moral compasses were pointing in same direction.
• On the one hand, you feel you are not able to maintain the relationship without resentment. On the other, if you do choose to continue the relationship, you will have to consciously avoid, be on guard to steer away from your views, and theirs, so as to not confront and sever the deep ties you may have at some other level, especially if it was a long-term relationship (e.g., a family member or someone who supported you in other needed and appreciated ways over the time.
• Even though the moral incompatibility is an abyss, it may be bridged if there are true connections, such as common elements of memory and experience, support and respect on other levels—even love, despite all else, that can never be put aside.
• After “the fall,” if you decide to continue the relationship, it must be without animosity or resentment, knowing (but not accepting) the contradictions, rather focusing on the mutual history, love and caring that did and still exists.

In summary, the process, whether a continuation of the relationship or not, may involve the following: an undetermined period of time to process, a kind of mourning/ grief at the loss of the person you had relegated to that idealized place, a review to re-perceive, re-cognize the new-found knowledge. That part of the person does not exist, but other parts of do—to be appreciated, accepted and/or loved, though you may never feel the intimacy that had existed only in your wishes/imagination.

Consciousness is thus: You do not know what you do not know—until you do—and the truth will set you free to see the reality, but also to endure it.

There is something stronger than death…”the presence of the absent in the memory of the living.” (quoted from Fresh Water for Flowers)

*Sandra Williams is a writer of poetry, fiction and essays. She believes writing is both therapeutic and enlightening: “When we become aware of what inspires us, our imagination is expanded, and we tap into our intuitive selves.” She and her husband, Robert, local landscape and mural painter live in Gilbertsville, PA and part-time in Rockport, MA. She is author of Moss on Stone: an historical novella and Time and Tide: a collection of tales (available on Amazon). Other writings at www.cosmicseanotes.blogspot.com

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